You are a NFL Head Coach and you are faced with a dilemma.

There are six minutes left in the 4^th quarter and you are down by four points.

Your team is at the 50 yard line and you are looking at a 4^th and 2.

What are you going to do?

Will you punt and hope you get another shot or will you go for it and live with the consequences?

Most coaches’ punt and that is the same attitude most men have when pursing the lamps of women they desire.

The “Football Gods” don’t like “Moist Coaches” and the same goes for the “Sex Gods”.

The Sex Gods (and most women) favor the bold.  Sometimes you have to line up in the I Formation and dive right into the hole, sometimes you are going to get stopped, but the majority of time you will succeed and I will tell you how.

First off you have to be a good coach.  You can’t be the Herman Edwards of clock management in regards to asking for female lamps. That is the quickest way to get you stopped behind the line of scrimmage and have the clock run out.

The #1 thing you need to establish as a man, is what you want out of the woman you are talking to.

Do you want a friend?

Do you want a girlfriend?

Do you want a girl to just call at 2am?

Do you want a Vegas woman (you know the women who you just meet on trips)?

If you main intention is to just break lamps, it is very important that you don’t act like you want something else.

That is one of the biggest issues women have with the male species.  We get in front of the podium and proclaim to be a ‘running’ team and then next game, ‘Brett Farve’ it and  throw 30 roses at the feet of women.

In the Book of Nohology honesty in KING, don’t lie to women.

The reason men lie to women is the same reason why the coach punts on 4^th and 2.  It is the fear of rejection and the fear that if he doesn’t convert that he will be seen as a failure.

Basically, they are Floyd Mayweather dudes, more concerned with keeping their prefect record, as opposed to fighting the best opponent.

The problem with that is your aren’t breaking lamps with the best opponents available, but going the path of least resistance.

Sometimes you just have go for it, be prepared to take the ‘L’ and keep it moving.

Once you have decided to go for it, of course you will need a play that is going to work.

This is the easiest part.

No need for anything fancy, the best play is the simplest.

JUST ASK

Now ask with some tact (which I know some of you don’t have, so there is nothing I can do about that).  At first she might be a little taken aback by your directness, but I promise you that more than often than not, you will get the answer you are looking for.

No Reggie Wayning or Flowers needed.

Just remember when you hit the hole don’t Reggie Bush it, no running to the sidelines.  Square your Shoulder Pads (no Roy Williams), put your head down and hit the hole hard.

The month July, the year 2008 and the location Santa Monica, California. After shooting a commercial (watch the commercial at the end of this article) and enjoying a dinner at PF Changs (yes even before twitter and before the #nohos I was repping The Chang) me and a young lady we will call “Little D” (names are withheld to protect the guilty) made our way back to The Ambrose hotel for a “boxing match”.

The young lady in question was 21 years old, recently broke up with her boyfriend of four years and was in prime condition to just devour some unsuspecting dude.

I on the other hand at the time was 29 years old and showing signs of being past my prime (#ladaintomlinsondude?). Add on to the fact that I hadn’t played Bed Gammon for awhile and was coming from a 12 hour commercial shoot it was obvious who had the advantage in this match up.

But I am an old champ and since “Sex is like Boxing” I thought I was ready for her 1st round onslaught until while I was getting my #snoopdog on she screamed out:

“PULL MY M*THERF*CKIN HAIR!!”

This was before I had developed my #lacefront alerts, so I was a little taken back by her demands, but I am able to adapt in the ring, so I switch from #cinemaxafterdark to #mrmarcus sans the fitted cap.

She tried to make me tap out in the Scorpion position, but I just #spidermanned my way out of that situation.

Everything was going well. I was bobbing and weaving. Throwing hooks and jabs making sure to go to the body.

Looked like I was going to get a decision until she went all Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct and decided to pull out some handcuffs and lock me up.

At that point two things were going to happen either I was going to get robbed a la George on Seinfeld or the boxing match was going to be over pretty quickly.

Turns out it would be the latter.

As she finished very similar to Sharon Stone she swung her arms and unbeknown to me the Ambrose lamps were not bolted down and that is when I uttered the famous phrase that I didn’t know a year later would help spark a revolution:

“You know it is good sex when you break lamps”

The definition of Break Lamps is simple all it means it is damn good sex.

If you are biting the pillow so hard that Forensic Files could ID you from the impression you have “broken lamps”.

If you can’t remember you own name after sex you have “broken lamps”.

If the agree upon price was $250 and the #noho left with $500 you have “broken lamps”.

If you wake up the new morning and realize all your money and credit cards are gone and you #kanyeshrug you have “broken lamps”.

If your #lacefront is lying on the bed beside you and not on your head you have “broken lamps”.

If your flight was schedule to leave on Sunday and you stay to Tuesday you have “broken lamps”.

If you used the lord name in combination with several curse words you have “broken lamps”.

If you aren’t breaking lamps in 2009 I feel for you because there is no excuse for bad sex. It is like being hungry and going to the buffet and all they have is salad. Not exactly what you had in mind.

Step your sex game and break something.

Fellas sex is like boxing and lets be real none of us are undefeated. Many suffered a lot of first round knockouts, but that is about to change.

It is time we stop being “Glass Joe” and start being the champ.

Make no mistake, women hold the belts. They have what we want. They are the star attraction.

We are contenders who have to fight our way up the ranks (dates, gifts, long conversations we don’t want to have, going to her stupid family BBQ & etc) to get that title shot.

Some boxers only get one title shot so you have to make the most of your opportunity when it comes.

I am going to take you through a training camp like you never been through before and when we are done you will be calling yourself the “Greatest of All-Time” and she will be begging you for a rematch.

You will be the champ and women from all over will be dying to get in the ring with you.

Just call me Cus D’amato. Time to get to work.

1- What type of boxer are you?

Fellas you have to know your strengths and weaknesses. You have to play to your strengths and mask your weaknesses. Don’t try to be a super hero. If your going into a battle with someone who has a good right hand and you know you’ve been knocked out before by right hands. The lesson is simple stay away from the right hand.

If you were knocked out in your five previous bouts when the woman has been on top of you then please by any means necessary don’t let that be the first position she gets you in.

If you have a hard time going 12 rounds you might have to take a round or two off in the middle. Get you some water or something.

You know your style better than anyone else. Don’t try to be Mike Tyson if your skill set is more suited to be Floyd Mayweather. Be smart and honest about who you are.

2- No two boxers are the same.

Fellas you have to understand what worked on one female doesn’t necessarily work on all.

Females, like boxers, come in many varieties. Southpaws, tall, short, heavyweights, lightweights, defensive, aggressive and etc.

If you try to fight them all the same way, yeah, you might win a few, but more than likely you are going to get KOed because you didn’t train properly.

You have to observe your opponent. Understand what she likes and doesn’t like. Most women don’t agree to title bouts on short notice (unless the money is right of course) so you will have some time.

Don’t be afraid to ask her what her weaknesses are. Create your game plan around her as opposed to just “doing what you do”. Women want to lose the belt; they will help you if you let them.

3- Take a couple of rounds to feel her out

Dudes get KOed quick when they just come in the ring swinging. Women are good with counter punching so if you come wild she will shut you down quick and you will not get a rematch.

You have to feel them out. There is a skill to this because this isn’t the Young and The Restless; no woman wants a guy dancing around the ring for 12 rounds.

So when I say feel her out I mean literally feel her out. What are a boxer’s best tools?

HANDS

No different in the bedroom; use your hands to feel all over her body. Offer massages, head rubs, foot rubs, temple rubs and etc.

I call it TTC

Touch, Tease and Caress.

This serves two purposes.

One it gives your body a little bit of time to calm down and two, women are like old cars, sometimes it takes them a minute to get warmed up.

Don’t be afraid to take a “dive”. Between her legs that is. If you do it correctly by the time the real boxing starts she may take a literal dive and hand over the belt without much resistance.

4- Stick and move

If you did the “feeling out process” at some point she is going to be ready to fight and this is where you are going to win and lose the title so pay close attention.

Unless the chick is absolutely horrible in the ring, you are going to get hit and you are going to get hit hard.

You have to be able to take a punch, but don’t get involved in a brawl you can’t win.

You have to stick and move. Women don’t like to be bored and this is to our advantage. They don’t want you laying on them for 30 minutes in the missionary position just sweating. This is when you have to man up and take control of the fight.

So you hitting it, she hitting back and as soon as she hits you with a blow that stuns, you must:

A- Change Positions

You have to be slick with this. You were knocking it out on the ropes then you got hit with a counter punch so you need to get off the ropes. Now this is in the heat of the action so you have to do it seamlessly.

You have to man up and physically move her. If you were hitting from the back turn her over. If she was on top and you are on your back sit up and wrap her legs around you (personal favorite of mine). If your on top move to a 45 degree angle scissors position.

Doesn’t matter what you do, but get yourself in a different spot. By changing positions your brain will need time to tell your “other brain” what is going on, which in turn will allow you to survive the round.

Females like this because now you are in round 10 and it has been back and forth action. Crowd is on their feet.

5- The Roll

I use to deal with a young lady that shall remain nameless. She use to allow me to do all my feeling, sticking and moving, diving and etc. Then because she is a woman and she was the champ around the 10th round:

BAM!!!!!!!

Never saw the punch coming and the fight was over. Nothing worse than winning a fight for 10 rounds and then ending up flat on your back like Ricky Hatton.

So I went back to my trainer (which is me) and was like how can I combat this?

That is when I came up with “The Roll”.

If you made it to the 10th round you have done a hell of a job and you are probably going to get a rematch, but you still don’t hold the belt. If you have an ego like me you want to be the champ and “The Roll” will ensure that happens.

By the 10th round I understand you are tired, you are hurting and you are running out of gas, but these are the championship rounds so just hang in there.

Women can sense weakness and smell blood in the water, so she is going to try to knock you out. Don’t believe a woman won’t sit around with her girlfriends telling them how she had you gasping for air after she hit you with the knockout punch.

So when that big punch comes simply:

ROLL

Nothing complicated, just roll. Doesn’t matter where you roll to, the floor, side of the bed, outside, it doesn’t matter just roll. Knock over something in the process.

Something about rolling turns a woman on. Something very primal about having such intense sex that you are falling all over the place.

Lovemaking is great, but breaking furniture while having sex tells her you are into her so much that you simply do not care about anything except making her orgasm.

No woman can resist that.

If you roll properly she will submit and you will be crowned the champ.

*Bonus*

“Don’t be Buster Douglas”

For one night Buster Douglas was focused, prepared and determined to be the champ and on that night he knocked out Mike Tyson.

As soon as he got the belt he went back to being the same lazy, unprepared Buster Douglas he was before and got knocked out.

Anybody can have one good night but fellas try to be a long term champ for your ladies.

The whole point of this article fellas is that after the match is over both of you should be exhausted giving each other a hug in the middle of the ring and be dying to fight again.

I want your opinion on this.  This is a true story I am not making anything up, so lets get started:

This young lady is named Tierra.  She is a “Web Model” (no porn, but nudity).  She has a website:

http://club-tierra.com

Pretty young lady, not knowing her personality, but just basing off her looks I don’t think too many guys would not try to holla at her. With that being said there are millions of young ladies like her walking around. Nothing that special about her.

A friend told that he knew a guy that was buying her a gift for Christmas.  Not because they were friends (in fact he has never met her), but because she asked on her website. 

In the age of bathwaterslurpers I wasn’t shocked by this, but decided to take a look for myself to see what she was asking for.  Here is word for word her “wish list” as she describes it:

Any of you who know me well enough know I love getting gifts and being spoiled! Every day when I get something in the mail it’s like Christmas all over again! Most clothing and lingerie on my wish list usually ends up in photos and videos. So if you want to see me in something sexy handpicked by you, visit my Amazon wish list. Sending me gifts is pretty much like saying “I love you!” My favorite colors are gray, black purple and of course pink. I enjoy expensive and big gifts but I am absolutely addicted to lingerie and shoes. I must have over 200+ pairs of heels and I love love love shopping sprees! Below is a link to my wish list with over 1150+ items purchased and growing, as well as some of my favorite stores to shop at that you can send me gift cards to.

Email Gift cards
Email Gift cards to Tierra@club-tierra.com

Amazon
Macys
Victoria’s Secret

Gift Cards by Mail
Send all these types of cards to my mailing address which is posted at the bottom of this page.

HELP BUILD MY HOUSE!!

At the young age of 21 I am already building a castle! Gift Cards in any amount will help me out!
Home Depot
Lowes

Buy my Groceries!
Albertsons
Pear Kroger
Safeway

The above cards and concealed cash and fan mail can be mailed to:

Tierra Marie
19030 Lenton Pl. S.E. No.228
Monroe WA 98272

Send Me Cash Directly!

There is no doubt about it; every woman loves cold hard green cash! I can get whatever I want with it. Here are a few methods I use for receiving cash gifts. If you have one you would like to use contact me! I have plenty more secret methods that are available upon request

Amazon Honor Pay
Alertpay.com

Send payments to Tierra@club-tierra.com

Green Dot-COMING SOON!

Check out some of the gifts I have already received from all my fan boys and subs!

Send all gift certificates to – tierra@club-tierra.com

Spoil me through Night Flirts!

As you see there is a link to everything she has supposedly gotten from men:

http://club-tierra.com/brag.htm

Diamond Rings, PS3, Mac Book, Shoes, Clothes, Watches, Purses, vacations, straight cash and much much more.

So I did some investigation and the model in question has a boyfriend and these gifts are giving just off the strength of some “internet foreplay” and in some cases just because she asked.

The question begs:

Is she a ho?

Is she an entrepreneur?

What does it say about the men who give the gifts?

Is it trickin if you got it?

Bathwaterslurping on steroids?

We will talk about this on Twitter tonight, but please leave your comments here so I can add them to conversation tonight.

THE 10 BONA FIDE COMMANDMENTS FOR THE CHEATING MAN:

I- THOU SHOULDN’T CHEAT.

Cheating is wrong. If you are in a committed relationship and you cheat then why were you in the relationship in the first place?

Sounds simple right? Unfortunately as men our urge to break lamps is very strong. Which is why I estimate out of every 10 men you talk to 9 of them have cheated at least once in their past and I will tell you why.

Men cheat because it is genetic, women have no clue how hard it is for a man not to cheat. We are visual stimulated creatures and women are the most beautiful thing in the world, so it is natural for us to want to break lamps with any pretty young lady that walks by. Similar to a drug addict once we cheat once it is almost impossible for us to stop especially if we aren’t getting caught.

If you know you are a serial cheater just stay single and save a lot of heartache on both sides.

II- THOU SHALL ALWAYS HAVE A PRENUP.

In the immortal of Kanye West: “WE WANT PRENUP”.

This should be the simplest rule of all for the married man. It doesn’t matter if you make millions and she works at Payless or you co-own a business together as a man you will get screwed if the reason you get divorced is because she caught your breaking lamps with a “noho”.

About four years ago I accidentally got the check of a co-worker. Without looking I opened it. after taxes he was grossing about $1500 every two weeks but then you saw all the spousal and child support you know what he was left with?

$475

How in the blue hell are you suppose to live off $475 and that was before the recession. Even if you’re following these commandments, there is still a good shot that your wife will leave you if she catches you cheating, so you need to protect yourself legally. If she doesn’t want to sign the prenup, that should be your first clue that she might not be the one you want to marry.

III- THOU SHALL NOT CARE IF YOUR WOMAN CHEATS ON YOU.

I like to call this the Shaq rule. Shaq follows the cheating code to a tee. However, the one part that has cost him is, when he found out his wife was cheating on him, he flipped out and got all emotional (I can not confirm or deny he went to Gilbert Arenas woman for comfort).

If you are going to have different women in all 50 states and cheat on your woman on a weekly basis don’t be naïve enough to think your wife won’t sleep with the guy she been has been getting “advice” from for the last six months.

Don’t be naïve and think your wife won’t go to a club and sleep with a random guy who looks like Usher and maybe do it in the club. Don’t be naïve if a “George” is whispering sweet nothings in your woman’s ear, talking about how she deserves better and ends up playing “Bed Gammon” with her.

Women aren’t dumb even if they don’t catch you red handed they know when you are up to something, so don’t be shocked if she shows you that two can play that game.

IV- THOU SHALL CHEAT TO UPGRADE NOT DOWNGRADE.

If you are going to put your relationship in jeopardy at least make it worth your while. Always cheat to upgrade not downgrade. I will give you a couple of ways to figure the proper way to do this. First thing you do is rate yourself on a scale of one to ten.

You= 6

Then rate the female you are with:

Girlfriend/Wife= 7

Now you should not be cheating with anything under a 7. If you do then you have a Steve Phillips situation:

Phillips lost his very good job at ESPN, his wife, his family and millions of dollars for this woman:

The woman you are cheating with should not look like “Kevin McHale”.

Short version if your woman found out who were cheating with her reaction should be anger, but in the back of her mind she should be like:

“I can’t blame him I would sleep with her too.”

V- THOU SHALL NEVER SLEEP WITH ANYONE IN COLORADO NOR ANYONE NAMED KATIE WITH A JOURNALISM DEGREE, EVEN FROM A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

I like to call these the “Kobe Bryant and Superhead Rules.” Something about Colorado and girls named Katie just seems like a recipe for disaster. Actually, you should stay away from Colorado, Utah, Montana, North & South Dakota, West Virginia and any other place that has more mountains than Wal-Mart’s. You should also stay clear of females named Katie, Nancy, Brit, Molly or any other name that sounds like they could have been an extra in Beverly Hills 90210.

Any woman that tells you that “writing” is her hobby should immediately be dismissed from your potential cheating list. The last thing you need is a scorned lover deciding the way she is going to pay off her student loans is by writing a tell-all book about how you like to dress up in a in a Batman costume before having sex.

VI- THOU SHALL CHEAT OUT OF STATE

Most cities even in big cities there is a certain six degrees of separation aspect to them. People just have a tendency to run in the same circles.

If you cheat too close to home there is a high risk of getting caught just by accident. One time back in my The Ohio State University days while I was with my girlfriend I spotted a girl a Broke Lamps with at Target. I literally had to hide between the coat rack not to be caught.

There is a lot of stress cheating in state. Females are crazy will find out where you live and where you work which is not a good look.

So my answer to that fellas is to do your dirt out of state. Here are the advantages of cheating out of state. First thing is normally the person you are breaking lamps with understand this is a one time situation so it is much harder for them to catch feelings. Secondly it is harder for you as the man to catch feelings for a female that you just met for a couple of days. Thirdly it is easier to hide evidence cheating out of state (unless you like Killa Carl and leave empty condom wrappers in your suitcase but I digress).

You know the saying:

“What happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas”

Just apply that to every state and Canada (some fine women in Canada).

VII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER CONDOMS COST $8 A BOX AS OPPOSED TO 25% OF YOUR GROSS INCOME GOING TO CHILD SUPPORT.

Also known as the “Shawn Kemp/Travis Henry/Evander Holyfield Rule.” I had a girlfriend once whose main goal in our relationship was to get pregnant. The reason being, she knew I would always support the child. At that point in my life, I was making $12 an hour in a call center. Now imagine, if I were making 12 million dollars a year (I am close not quite there), how many women would give their right arm to have a little Robert Littal Jr. running around so they can sit watch Oprah and buy Coach bags on my dime.

The point is very hard to lie about cheating when some female has you on Maury.

VIII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER THEY ARE STRIPPERS AND PROSTITUTES FOR A REASON.

A lot of men are horrible at cheating. They fall in love, they always get caught or whatever. If you are that guy you need to take advantage of your resources.

Craigslist is your friend. Your local strip club is your friend. Find you a “Myspacemodel” to trick off. Yes you might have to work a little OT to afford to break lamps, but in the long run it will better for you. Just get a receipt.

IX- THOU SHALL WATCH FORENSIC FILES

Females are like detectives looking for forensic evidence to convict you. Like most criminals men leave a lot of evidence behind.

If you are going to be cheat, but smart about it. Keep your phone locked. Your “cheating” contacts in your phone should be under “men” names. Delete your texts (especially the sent and deleted), Your laptop should have NASA level security on it. Any incriminating pictures, emails and videos should be buried in a file you would have a hard time finding.

Keep your alibis legit. If you tell her you are going to be a friend’s house make sure that friend is aware you are using him as an excuse. If you tell her you are going out of town don’t lie about location or airline. Burn hotel receipts. If you bought a pack of three condoms and only use two throw the other one out of the window on the way home.

Women do not for the most part don’t catch men cheating, men expose themselves.

X- THOU SHALL NOT GET MCNAIRED.

I grew up on the North Side of Saint Louis, Missouri one of the roughest areas in the country and where I am from men get shot three things:

3- Drugs

1- WOMEN

Women will get you in situations that can be life threatening if you aren’t careful. This isn’t even a cheating commandment this should just be a general rule. You need to know the situation of the woman you are breaking lamps with.

Of course the obvious one would be does she have a crazy husband, ex husband, boyfriend, brother, stalker and etc. Because remember breaking lamps is a beautiful thing, but I have never had sex so good I would be willing to get shot over.

Also you have to check the mental state of the woman you are dealing with especially if you are cheating. Most women you cheat with in your mind will be secondary to you. I know you may find this hard to believe but some women don’t like playing the Kelly Rowland role to your woman’s Beyonce.

I encourage all men to watch the program “Snapped’ on Lifetime (look I found it by accident) and if the women you are dealing with act anything like these ladies I have one word for you.

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

–

In conclusion fellas remember if you have a good woman don’t cheat on her even though I know it is hard. You will be better off in the long run, by treating your woman right.

But if you absolutely just have to cheat listen to the Dean of NoHology’s Cheating Commandments and you will be alright. Trust me I am the Dean.

The million dollar question:

WHY DO MEN CHEAT??

I have the answer ladies, so I suggest you take out your pad and pen because I am about to save some relationships (or destroy some, but I digress).

Here are the reasons men cheat:

1-      Lack of attention

When a woman wants a man she is willing to do a lot of things to get him. 

One of the things she does?

FREAK IN THE BEDROOM

She is giving it up and she is rocking his world.  Many lamps are broken in the process.  Because of that interaction among other things the man falls “Balls Deep In Love” with the woman.

Some women though after they have captured the man all of sudden don’t feel the urge to give up the cookies so freely.

Even when she does it definitely isn’t as exciting as it once was.

Before, she use to come to bed in high heels, Victoria Secret and fully made up, now she comes to bed in a head scraf and t-shirt.

Those are the lucky guys.  Some guys don’t get any lamp breaking action from their females at all.

Men are not that dissimilar from women in regards to needing attention from their significant other.  If they aren’t getting that attention or more importantly they aren’t getting those lamps broke no matter how good the man is he will start to search out women who will give him that attention.

And are more than willing to break furniture at the Model 6 to give it to your man.

2-      They get tired of eating chicken

There are women who even after getting with their man “Break Lamps” game is outstanding so no complaints there.

The problem is some men just get tired of being with the same woman day after day, week after week and year after year.

Chicken might be your favorite food, but after two years of eating it straight and someone offers you a juicy steak you might partake even if you know it is bad for you.

How can woman stop this from happening?

Spice up that chicken from time to time. There are many different ways to cook chicken you need to master each one.

3-      The Incredible Hulk

All men have a beast inside of us.  We are predators by nature and our prey of choice is female.

Similar to Bruce Banner to stay faithful we have to control our inner Hulk, because when the Hulk gets out normally:

HULKS SMASH

You will notice a lot of “faithful” men are homebodies.  The reason being if you go outside there are women who will bring out the Hulk in them.

There is no such thing as a man who is incapable of cheating.

Smart men don’t put themselves in position to where they have to make that choice.  It is in our DNA to want to Break Lamps with as many women as possible.  It is our top head that keeps us from just jumping on everything that moves. 

Alas there are some men who just think with there bottom head.

4-      Nohos

There are a portion of women in our society who are attracted to breaking lamps with other women boyfriends and husbands.

Maybe it is an ego thing; maybe they just get a kick out of it, but whatever the reason they are very good at helping along the cheating process.

Men by nature are barely holding it together in regards to not cheating, so it isn’t difficult for men to be swayed by a noho especially one who are willing to do things maybe wifey stop doing a very long time ago.

5-      Because They Can

I have had many friends past, present and I am sure in the future who love their significant others very much, but still cheat on them all the time.

The reason is simple they just don’t care.  No crazy theories or rationale they just don’t care. Women are available to them and they choose to partake in the “female buffet”.

In a lot of these cases one of the first four reasons started them off, but once they got started they could never stop.

Cheating is like being a thief.

When you get away with robbing one bank you don’t just retire you go rob more banks.  Once you have robbed so many banks you start to feel invincible.

Even when men get caught if the judge (the woman) puts them on probation (take them back) they just figure out ways to be better at cheating.

Even when the judge (the woman) sends them to jail (the break up) at this point it isn’t a matter of if they will cheat again it is will they get caught with the next woman.

—

People ask this question all the time:

“Once a man starts cheating can he ever stop?”

My answer is always the same.  Bruce Banner can go years without the Hulk coming out, but once it is let out once there is always a chance it will come out again.

If you want to keep your man’s Inner Hulk from coming out here are my suggestions:

1- Be a freak in the bed often and keep that chicken spicy

2- Be aware of the places he is going (if he is a clubber, strip clubs, late night party guy & etc he probably a cheater).

3- Be of aware his female friends (A lot of times that is just a “cover story”).

4- Create reasons why he should stay at home (learn to like what he likes sports, video games or whatever).

5- If he cheats drop him and don’t look back.  If he cheats once and you take him back he will cheat again.

I am a sports journalist, so it isn’t unusual for me to equate matters of the heart with sports analogies. One of my favorites to explain to people, and now to you, is the art of:

“Contract Negotiations”

This is going to be told from a male perspective, but it can apply to anyone because the premise is the same.
When a team has the #1 overall pick in the NFL draft, that team will spend millions of dollars and many hours scouting to make sure their pick will be the one that changes the fortunes of their franchise. They attend the combine, the pro days, and watch as much game film as they can. Organizations do so many other things that it would take another article, requiring you to go to http://www.blacksportsonline.com to understand.

At some point the team locks in on the player they want and they are the only team who can negotiate a contract with that player before the draft. If they get the contract signed everyone involved is happy. If they don’t seal the deal, they face a lengthy hold out that can set the tone for a rocky relationship.

They way men/women “scout” the opposite sex isn’t that much different than the NFL draft. We spend plenty of time trying to decide the best player(s) for our “team.”

The interesting thing about men and women is that we are scouting for many different things.

One guy might have a team of “nohos”. A young lady might have a team just consisting of a “head guy”. But no matter who you’re drafting you need to get a contract signed first.

A contract is an exchange of promises by which the law will provide a remedy in the event of a breach.
Remove the “law” aspect and focus on the “exchange of promises” and I will explain to you why contracts will make your life much easier in regards to the opposite sex.

When you are dealing with the opposite sex, most times it’s a guessing game:

“Does he/she like me?”

“If I accept this ticket to visit him does that mean I have to give it up?”

The “contract” eliminates the guessing game. Most people think contracts are strictly about sex, which isn’t always the case. It’s more about getting a clearer understanding before you make a commitment/decision.

If you are a man the “contract” is an absolute necessity in your life. Many men have “hoped” that something positive will happen, only to end up disappointed.

I get a contract even if I go to Walgreens for a young lady. This is an actual conversation that happened around midnight a few months ago while a young lady and I were watching TV:

Her: “I want some ice cream.”

Me: “I am the Drew Rosenhaus of Pimpin”

Ladies you can get the contracts work for you. If a man offers you anything, the first question that should come out of your mouth is:

“What are your expectations by offering this?”

Men are so dumb and scary; the guy will be shocked by the question and say something to this effect:

“I am just offering because I like you and I don’t have any expectations.”

Ladies you just got him locked into a contract so feel free to except those Jimmy Choo shoes, guilt free. Fellas, unless you are a baller and just throw money at your “draft picks” you have to be very careful how you word the terms of your contract.

That is why you have to scout your “players” very well and be aware if what I call “noho” phrases. If you are negotiating a contract and a woman says:

“We will just see what happens.”

She might as well be saying:

“I am going to see how much money I get out of him first, and then I might give it up.”

It is very important for the fellas to be tactful when asking for a contract to be signed. This is something I can’t teach you because unfortunately, you have to be very smooth.

Also be aware of which “females” are unsignable. Some women are just smarter than we are and we can never ever lock her into a contract, but because I am the Dean of “NoHology” I can help you with this.

If you really like a young lady, scout out her last 5-10 contracts with men. Women love to talk about their exes so it shouldn’t be that hard. Then, create a profile of the type of men she likes to enter contracts with and compare that info to you.

If she only dates men over 6 feet with salaries 100k plus and you are 5’4” and work at the mall then you have your answer.

Remember the “contract” will save both men and women a lot of wasted time and clarify what each wants out of there interaction with the other before it blows up in your face.

Nothing is worse than thinking someone is feeling your personality when they really are just trying to play “bed gammon” or “simp” you out for your dollars.

*Bonus Section*

Online Contracts

These contracts may be the most important contracts simply because when you have never met someone in person you need to be crystal clear what your expectations are.

Because a lot of things can be lost in the translation of your online love affair.

My first suggestion is, leave the “social media” out of your macking; take it offline (actually speak to the person and hear their voice).

If you are out of town pimpin’, please get a contract signed before you start booking flights. Don’t be like my boy who met a young lady on Twitter and assumed because he was coming to visit her that she was going to give up the goods.

He wined and dined her and got NADA out of the trip.

When travel is involved you have permission to be as direct as possible, and women if you honestly don’t know what you want to do, be honest with the Fellas. Don’t play games.

Trust me, if they guy really likes you he will still come, but if he just had one thing in mind then it is better that you know now, rather than later.

Men, if you honestly know that the only reason you are flying out/in to meet a woman is to play “bed gammon”, it is better to be straight up, so you can make an informed decision about your travel plans. I would suggest if you truly have feelings for her that you go but just try your best to verify that she has feelings for you as well.

In the end “The Contract” is to promote honesty and open dialogue so no one gets there feelings hurt. If you need an agent, remember your Dean of “NoHology” is always available.

It finally happened. I was conned into watching “The Bucket List.” But it pushed me into contemplating my own life and wondering what I would put on my own bucket list. I already have a regular list of things I plan on doing before I start pushing daisies, so as per usual, my thoughts inevitably turned to sex when I became bored with the film and my own musings. So here it is in its near entirety… my dirty to-do list: 
 

1. IT’S BRITNEY, BITCH… 1, 2, 3. I may as well get the cliched one out of the way. How else could you double your pleasure? I actually don’t even have a preference for either a MMF (male-male-female) or FFM (female-female-male) threesome. The experience of having two people in bed at once has to be one of my more narcissistic ideas, but who doesn’t want all of that attention in the bedroom? Can you imagine the sensory overload of two people licking, sucking, and paying that much attention to the intensity of your orgasm? You know you want to have a threesome now. Admitting it is the first step.  
2. ANNA NICOLE IT UP. That’s right… sex with an older man. I don’t know about working the 70-plus circle like the late great Anna Nicole did, but sex with an older man is definitely something that has appeal. This one is all about quality. This is assuming, of course, that sex with an older man would bring not only more years, but more experience. An older man would have had more years to learn what pleases their partner and would surely be enthusiastic about sharing that experience with a younger partner.
3. SLIPPERY WHEN WET. I’ve had sex outside. I’ve kissed in the rain. I’ve even started things off in a jacuzzi then moved things inside. But I’ve never combined sex and water with the great outdoors. How could I combine these two wonderful sexual mediums? Sex in the rain. Imagine a hot summer night when the skies open up & rain droplets pour over your body, awakening every nerve ending as it glides across your skin. Hands sliding over wet skin, clothes sticking to you, hair soaking wet… Thunder blasting overhead and lightning crackling, igniting every fiber of your being, arm hairs standing on end. Is it the rainy season yet?
4. MONOGAMY – NOT MONOTONY. Sex with the same person daily for one month. Now I know what you’re thinking – “What about when it’s that time of the month?” It’s time to let go of your prehistoric hangups. Surely if you’re going to be having sex with the same person for 28+ days in a row, you could both deal with this issue. Lay down a towel or get in the bathtub for some shower sex. Either way, get over it.
5. SEX IN A GROUP. Let me reiterate… NOT group sex. I’m talking about having sex with one other person in a group setting. If you’ve ever seen “Shortbus” then you know what I’m referring to. The exhibitionist in me revels in the idea of having sex in front of others, of having others watch me and my partner. 
6. YOU TARZAN, ME JANE. Sex swings have always appealed to my inner child. The swing set was my favorite piece of playground equipment – the rush of being high in the air and feeling the breeze caress my face as I swung to and fro was exhilarating. Surely the adult version is just as, if not more exciting.
7. SORRY. I’M TIED UP AT THE MOMENT. I’ll be the first to admit that I am a complete pussy when it comes to pain. But I am more than eager to try out some light bondage in the bedroom. I’ve never been on the receiving end of being trussed up like a holiday ham & it’s high time it happens. At this point in time, I’d like to take the opportunity to point out that bondage is not all about the whips, chains, & handcuffs. Not that there’s anything wrong with that or that I’m emphatically against any of these instruments of pleasure & pain. All you need to engage in some bondage is your bedsheets or some work ties. 
8. I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP. It takes deep trust and a great amount of courage to allow yourself to be filmed during sex. You’ve got to trust your partner enough that he or she won’t be carting the video around, showing it to their buddies, or even putting it on the internet. Once you get beyond your trust issues, you’ll have a nice momento to whip out later for a little… inspiration, shall we say?

What’s made your list? You know you’re frantically thinking of things to add to your own to-do list now, so share them!

I’m a pretty adventurous person, but rarely am I an initiator of things from a romantic standpoint. I prefer to sit back, let things happen and see where they take me. From there I will decide if I want to take things further… There is no point, no moral to be gained by reading this story. It’s just a short humorous anecdote here to remind you of hard it can be to pick up on the mixed signals that are sent out in the world everyday. It serves as a reminder to be cognizant of your role in the sending and relaying of those messages, be they literal or subliminal because someone somewhere out there is picking up on them & looking just as confused as can be!

I spend my evenings taking classes at a community college. Over time I built up somewhat of a friendship with two classmates. Things seemed to be going well. We had hung out twice before and they had been very kind to me. The girl would insist I hang out with them; the guy would pick up the tab if I couldn’t afford to pay for food/drink & drive me home afterward. Recently she asked me if I wanted to go with them to see her new apartment. She wanted my help picking out alcohol for her upcoming birthday party. Not having anything else to do, I agreed. I got in the backseat and she joined me. She said she was sleepy & wanted to lay down, so I placed my bag in my lap as a pillow for her head. I rested my arm against her & she starts holding my hand… Okay whatever, I’ve had a girl hold my hand before, but then she intertwines our fingers and starts playing with my hand. Not sure of what was going on I said nothing, but responded to her touch in order to reassure her that she wasn’t making me feel uncomfortable.

Background info: All I know about her is that she just had a kid. I assumed she had a boyfriend, but clearly, you see where assumptions get you…

Facts: I’m a 21 year old college student and well… this sorta thing seems to happen a lot (not to me in particular, just in general). I’m not homophobic, so I kinda just went with the flow to see where things would go from there.

Now I don’t want to jump to conclusions. Fact is, I’m confused. I was a bit wary when she asked my opinion on alcohol. Anyone who knows me, knows I rarely drink, but since we were just getting acquainted with each other, I let it pass in the hopes of getting to know her better as a friend. However, she seemed a little bit too keen on my opinion. As I said, we had been out before – late dinner after class at IHOP one night, drinks at Bar Louie another. Both times, I was broke and yet both insisted on picking up my tab. I was appreciative of the free food, yet suspicious of their kindness.

While in the car I remark that her bracelet is pretty. She looks at it, takes it off and gives it to me as a gift. I insist that it’s a nice gesture, but I didn’t want it. She insisted that I take it.

We go to a store and she let’s me pick out a bottle of wine & grab some cheese & crackers to munch on while the wine is chilling. We all head up to her place and she shows me around. At this point, things seem to settle down.  I start to relax. Maybe it was all in my head, I think to myself. Boy, I must have some ego thinking that this girl was hitting on me. I let it go and we begin drinking wine. She doesn’t have wine glasses, so we’re drinking wine from regular glasses and the guy is practically filling my cup up to the rim. Suffice to say, I’m starting to get tipsy. We sit down and watch a movie.  On the way out of the kitchen the guy laughingly pats me on my butt.

I’ve been asked to describe the pat on the butt – it wasn’t a squeeze. He didn’t come off like he was trying to cop a feel, but it felt more friendly than the pats guys give each other on the football field – kinda like he was testing the water to see how drunk I was…  Again, I let it go.

This is an unnecessary detail, but I’m gonna add it anyway. While we’re watching the movie, the girl, goes, gets her baby and starts breastfeeding in front of us. I’m sure I’ve seen it done before, but had never taken an interest before now. She didn’t try to hide or cover herself. She felt no shame (nor should she, seeing as how she was in her own home). I was in awe of her and dare I say it, somewhat turned on…

Now I’m really confused! I’m tipsy and I’m fairly sure both of them hit on me. I don’t even know what their relationship is with one another! They are close and I can’t help but wonder if there is/was a romantic connection between the two of them. I’m concerned that they might both be flirting with me without the other being aware of it. This is getting complicated, fast.

Night is drawing to a close. The movie has ended and she has fallen asleep on the couch. I suggest that we head out at this time. He agrees. We’re flying down Lake Shore Dr at 60 mph at midnight. It’s truly one of the best driving experiences you could have in the city of Chicago. We near my exit and he asks me if I want to see his place. We just came from her place, so I see no harm in going to his place; plus it’s a beautiful night and I don’t want the drive to end just yet, so we zoom on down past my exit towards his place.

The closer we get to his place, the more sobering my thoughts are… “Why did I agree to this? Maybe we won’t go in… maybe he’ll just point his house out and then take me home.” I laugh cynically at myself for having such naive thoughts. As dark as it is, I know that there is no chance that he’s going to just drive by without stopping in, so I steel myself for what to say once we arrive.

We park & go inside. “What a nice place you have!” I shout from the kitchen, afraid to go in any further. I walk around his place, timidly stick my head in each room. I stand inches from his bedroom door. I have no inclination whatsoever of sticking my feet into that room. He watches me grow across the room gauging my reaction. “So I guess you’re done drinking for the night.” he says. “Yes”, I say rather firmly, adding “in fact I hadn’t realized it was so late…” He grabs his keys and we head for the door. 15 minutes later he’s dropping me off at home and wishing me a good night.

So what do you think? Am I overreacting? Could this be boiled down to an issue of cultural differences? Or am I being naive about the while thing? Let me know what you think!

It’s taboo in greater society, but we all know that makes it all the more desirable. No, kiddies, I’m not talking about smoking loud packs. Your Auntie Ginger is talking about sex in public places. If you haven’t done it yourself, I’m sure you can think of at least one friend that has. Those 1,000 count sheets and goose down comforters may sound good when you’re ready to hit the hay, but not everyone strictly sticks to the mattresses when getting down and dirty. Whether you’re looking for a little something to spice up your sex life or if you’re just looking to add to your sexual “bucket list,” check out these lusty locales and try one or two. C’mon… You only live once.

The Runners-Up:

• Bodies of Water

Whether it may be at the beach, the river, or a public pool/hot tub, this seems to be a popular choice. Sex in the water can ironically dry up your natural lubricants, so be sure to pre-lube things with some silicone based lubricant when making some waves of your own.

• Concerts

If you’re into having theme music to get your groove on to, then a concert is where you need to be. Whether pulling a quickie in the restroom or knees to the stage with your skirt up, a concert will always provide a good memory when you hear “your song” later.

• Carwash

Remember playing Five Minutes in Heaven? Automated carwashes are the adult answer. Drive in, put the car in park, and get dirty while the suds get your car clean. Just be sure to go to the automated and not human powered carwash when you’re getting your freak on. If not, it will be like you’re in a reverse aquarium.

• Stairwells

Stairwells are great for exercising during your lunch break. Oh. You thought I meant walking up and down them? No, children. It’s time to use the stairwell for something a little bit more fun. If there’s a height difference between you and your partner, the stairwell may be the perfect get it on spot.

• Elevator

There’s a reason Aerosmith named a song after it. Love in an Elevator. Go ahead and pull the stop button for a quickie between floors. Just make sure there aren’t any cameras… unless you don’t mind them, that is…

The Top Ten:

10. Balcony

Whether at your hotel on a weekend getaway or at your high rise apartment, a balcony can always provide a hint of the risque while giving semi-privacy. Be sure to enjoy the view when you’re against the rails.

9. Movie Theater
Ah, the movie theater. An oldie but a goodie. Remember way back when? Most kids first got their kicks in the back row of the movie theater. Why shouldn’t you revisit those wonderful memories? Be sure to bring a coat for coverup! Remember, kids… if they ask you if you would like extra butter, be sure to say yes.
8. Parking Garage
Park on the rooftop for a little stargazing while you get it on. For a little more excitement and possibility of getting caught, park on a mid to lower level for a some backseat action.
7. Night Club
Find a dark corner with a couch or an empty table. Have one partner sit while the other grinds on them to the beat of the music. Are you giving your partner a sexy lapdance at the club or are you getting busy? No one knows but the two of you. As for the dance floor, a good rule of thumb is either everyone has sex in the Electric Slide line, or no one has sex in the Electric Slide line.
6. Churches, or Places of Worship
Alright, alright… Let’s hold off on the Catholic boy-rape jokes. Unless you’re a Catholic boy, the church can be a naughty and enjoyable place to have sex. Aw…c’mon. You know your Auntie Ginger couldn’t resist a good Catholic boy-rape joke, kiddies. But seriously – lovers often hop in the confessional to have something to repent for later. How many Hail Marys is that one worth?
5. Library
The bookworm in me adores this locale. Nothing like the smell of old ink and leather bound books to get you going in the sack. Find a dusty corner that isn’t frequented often and fulfill all of your naughty librarian fantasies. Just try not to be too loud. We all know how angry naughty librarians become when you disturb the sanctity and peace of the library.
4. Dressing Rooms
Ladies, when you’re dragging your significant other from store to store and their eyes are becoming more and more glazed over, it’s time to hit up a dressing room. No, I don’t mean for yet another sundress expedition. A certain lingerie store that can keep your secrets will definitely let you both in the dressing room to make sure your significant other likes what you’re trying on. Of course all of the associates know what you’re really doing in there, but isn’t that part of the excitement?
3. Public Restrooms

If you can’t wait until you get home, public restrooms could provide some release. Head over to the handicapable stall, lock the door, and pray to baby Jesus your girl was a gymnast back in the day. Maybe she can get some extra use out of those rails.
2. Parks
True story: Our libidos rise when we’re in the great outdoors. The fresh air makes us feel energized and healthier and everyone has that inner child that still associates being outside with freedom. Most parks have discreet hiking trails perfect for that afternoon tryst in the sun.
1. Roadside
The one public place to have sex that I’ve heard over and over again has been on the side of the road. If you’re on a long roadtrip & need something to break up the monotomy and inject a little excitement into that trip to grandma’s house for Thanksgiving, pull over and engage in some roadside procreation. It’ll take almost all of the sting out of grandma’s pinch to your cheek later. Besides… after driving a long distance at 70 miles per hour, shouldn’t you slow down a little and try 69?

How about you, fair readers? Have you been breaking any lamps in public? Give up your favorite public nooky spots & share the love.